Before you began reading the rest of this, think about why you're reading this.
Do you really want to overcome depression, sadness, bitterness, anger, suicidal thoughts, etc.?
Because for some reason we want change, but we don't want to change.
Change requires change.
I was willing to change. Everything I did wasn't working. I've tried drinking, smoking, sex, partying, etc. I've tried to be who everyone else assumed I should be, which is to be identical to everyone else.
I was tired of being unhappy and feeling worthless. I started to feel like a walking zombie. As if my existence wasn't needed.
I stopped acting as the victim. Yes, I lost my mother. Yes, my whole life changed. Yes, I've been heart broken, but I wasn't going to let these things continue to drain me of the life I don't even deserve.
July 4, 2015 was the LAST day I was going to cry myself to sleep and have thoughts of dying. I didn't really go full force to commit suicide (I was truly afraid), but the thoughts led me to constantly picking up a knife, yet doing nothing with it.
I would shake terribly while holding the knife. I'd bring it to my wrist, swipe it across gently without cutting deep. Only light scratches.
I continued to think about how much I want to make a difference in life and I knew my life was designed for more, I just couldn't grab onto what MORE was.
See, while we continue to hold onto our demons (because truly that's what they are, they must find a house to live in and they've gotten comfortable in yours), they're killing us silently.
Everyday I scroll down my social media's and the statuses are "God please take the anger away" or "This depression is getting the best of me."
And many people I've known for YEARS and they're still posting the same thing. I'm curious to know when will they actually take steps to get rid of the anger or depression or bitterness etc.?
It's not easy, don't get me wrong, but as they say ... nothing worth having is easy.
I made a decision to be genuinely happy, joyful, and full of peace. I believe in generational curses and I wasn't going to let my mess trigger down to my future children.
The first step is making a decision to choose YOU. The devil can't take what he already has. Stop giving him authority over your life.
The truth is, we don't deserve life. There's nothing we've done that dictates a reward of life.
But while we have life, live your best life and that means true happiness.
I also knew that with peace, happiness, and choosing ME it meant sacrifice.
Sacrificing friendships, relationships, lustful relationships, and mostly what I WANTED.
I failed over and over and trying to do what I wanted and fix myself. So, this time around I was going to choose this "Jesus" that everyone talks about.
Now, I grew up in church, but I didn't have a relationship with God. I didn't even pray to him genuinely until my mother died.
I chose to let God write my story. I'm just his vessel. I decided to be free. Anger was taking over me. I wasn't angry at God for letting my mom die. How could I be angry at someone I don't even know ?
The most hurt comes from those closest to us.
And I wasn't close to God at all.
I was angry because I didn't understand and because I wasn't in control. I was angry because God was letting total strangers (which happen to be my step mom and siblings) come in and be apart of a life we didn't ask for. (Btw, I LOVE my stepmom and siblings)
But that was a hard time for me. The truth is God is capable of seeing what we're to blind to see.
I no longer wanted to find comfort in anger. I no longer wanted to isolate myself. I cried out to God, and since then I've been so free. IT WASN'T EASY OR OVERNIGHT, but everyday I choose him.
I choose to be the change I want to see. I choose ME. I don't want to go back to looking in the mirror and not recognizing myself. I don't want to go back to crying myself to sleep at night.
I could careless about what people think about me serving my God because I KNOW that I was almost to my death spiritually, mentally, and physically. I literally almost died multiple times (that's a whole other story) and yet I live.
I was there. Where you were or where you are.
You don't have to know what the next step is, you just have to take the first step.
Decide to not live everyday as a Groundhog Day and actually LIVE.
What people think doesn't matter. I've had so many people who have tried to go against what I believe or bash me for living my actual best life, but I won't dim my light for anyone.
I don't want to make this any longer. If you've read this far I'm hoping you're wanting to do the work and live YOUR life.
Get around Godly people. We're not boring just because we love Jesus.
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